Having previously covered the hero’s of the Coronavirus it’s time to examine the villains. There are, of course, far too many to mention and we apologise in advance if we’ve missed you out – it won’t be for want of trying. But we, like so many others, have just skeleton staff (literally) for now.
First up, it would be entirely remiss not to mention the little fella himself. No, not Danny de Vito, I’m talking about Corona. Like all good villains you have multiple personalities and names like Corona, Coronavirus, Covid, Covid-19, invisible enemy and fucking pain up the arse virus. You, dark Corona villain, can stealth it like the best of those bombers, you can spread like Nutella and you don’t need to waste money on fast fashion – you’re friggin invisible. You can teleport across time and space and you’re really hard to track or maybe that’s just a Chinese thing. You’ve gotten inside a bat, a cute little pangolin and countless ladies proving you can shake it up like the best James Bond. You get Prime Ministers so scared they hide for weeks or at least until dozzer come-on-me’s better, you get Donnie to show up for work most days and stay off the golf course for more than five minutes at a time. You’ve quietened Kim Jong Ding-dong, Jose Mourinho and the entire cast of the Lion King but apparently not the Pope, Andrea Bocelli or Dave the incessant, pain up the frigging rear end Tesco boss who keeps emailing me telling me how goddamned smarty pants and heroic he is just for delivering food. Obviously not that smart cos he keeps emailing folk who wouldn’t shop at his over-processed food joint even if Corona made it the last food joint on this scorched earth. Mind you with climate chaos crashing down on us maybe…
But enough about the invisible guy let’s focus on the ones he’s brought out of hiding just to remind us that a good ol crisis can bring out the best of so many but the worse from a terrifying few. So let’s celebrate the few. The good news is we don’t have to go much further than Donnie, Bozzer or Bols-anus-aros to see what bad really looks like and they remind us every single remorseless day across any frggin media we wish we could hide from. But, it seems, they also went and inspired a whole cast of wannabes. Like the Turkish dudes who promised 400,000 hospital gowns to the really desperate muppets in Westminster only to deliver 4 or was it 40,000 who’s counting… Well, maybe the same loonies who bought a gazillion antibody tests that couldn’t antibody test their way out of an infected rat. Then there’s the vacuum cleaner guy who loved the idea of an independent UK so much he moved his entire company to Singapore presumably cos he had some friggin scientific insight into the fact that the UK would be about as good at prepping for Corona as a teenage misfit prepping for GCSE’s only to find out that Singapore recycles Corona infection peaks like a high speed wash cycle. But, maybe he could reinvent himself with the world’s first Dyson Corona vacuum. Just shove this baby down your throat, press the green button and it’s guaranteed to suck Corona right out of you or you get your money back or a free dose of hydroxychloroquine or a sun ray down your gullett or just plain disinfectant (thanks again Donnie).
Let’s not though forget to mention the guys who made the latest James Bond movie and kicked the release date out a year proving they’re not only the greediest bastards on the planet but also the dumbest – I mean just think of all the gazillions of Netflix dollars they could have made while we watched it over and over and over. I mean what better cure for Corona-lockdown-beat-me-over-the-head-with-boredom-itis than the latest Bond release on constant Sky store loop. Mind you, talking of dumb schmucks how about this Georgia governor Kemp who thought that a Corona infection curve going up was a good thing and lifted the lockdown right as their infections were spiralling like a football straight out of Tom Bradys palm. Dude, curve up equals not good Corona spread – curve down better. Easy to remember as it’s the opposite of the effect from your Viagra pills.
But, last of all, I would like to reserve a special thank you to Xi Ping Pong for not listening to that nice young doctor dude who spilled the beans on Corona way back when and could have stopped this whole damned Corona thing in its infant tracks while, at the same time, making sure that at the very least we got to see James Bond on the big screen which is our goddamned divine inalienable democratic right. And while you might not be that into the whole rights thing we are – or at least we are when it comes to James. Got it!
I think I’ll go watch Tiger King again.
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