The Next New Norm – The Secret to Not Getting ClimateF***ed

Now that we’re used to the Corona in our lives, the lockdown loonies, Great Depression 2.0 and the fact that Kim Jong Ding-dong is dead we thought we should try to look to the next new norm. You know, the one where we start to exit lockdowns (Brits exempt) and rediscover the simple joys of visiting a park without getting arrested, grabbing a coffee at Starbucks reminding us that it’s way cheaper at home and parking the teens at the beach to accidentally forget to pick them up for a week. Let’s not, though, underestimate the importance of survival skills.

The smarty pants among us will be figuring out which of the last ‘new norms’ (Christ I’m sounding like a politician) will become permanent changes cos if they don’t we’ll all get mothered by pandemic 2.0 just lurking round the corner called ClimateF***ed. And I don’t know about you but I’ve kinda had enough of lockdown 1.0 so I’m really not into an even longer, more invasive lockdown 2.0 which by its very nature will be too late so all our proverbial little fingers in the damn will, of course, do absolutely sod all to delay the inevitability of getting well and truly ClimateF***ed.

So here are the 5 key elements to ‘The Next New Norm – the Secret to not getting ClimateF***ed’:

1. Healthier living der yeah! You see lockdown loonies gave us material monsters the chance to step back, breathe in the polluted air from our shitty shoebox apartments and realise that there had to be something more to life and Levi’s and the Big Mac. Well, OK, maybe not the Big Mac. We’ve reconciled our lowly consciousnesses to the fact that we’re gonna have to trade in some old crappy behaviours to keep, well, living. And we’ve had the once in a generation opportunity to learn to appreciate walks in the park so long as we don’t dawdle, making our own food cos there’s no point waiting for Dave from Tesco to start stocking pasta again and even enjoying our jungle of a garden because it’s better to hang out there than get Corona on the street. Going forward we’ll travel less mostly because we’ll all be broke, we’ll want less pollution cos they’ll prove that pollution feeds Corona (not the beer) and Donnie and Bozzer will figure out that their only chance of survival beyond the botched Corona thing will be to pin their entire machine and slogan making team on the next hot trend cos more than anyone they don’t want to get caught behind yet again and get politically ClimateF***ed. Plus all those self help and yoga stretch pants books that went straight in one ear and out the other will suddenly make the smallest amount of sense so we’ll all succumb to the healthier living, deep breathing, all-avocado cool aid.

2. Home Working – yep, not because we all loved it. But because our tight ass bosses spent all that money on Zoom licenses to get through lockdown loonies and won’t want to see them to go to waste. So, bye bye company car, meetings for gossip in the hang out room, sweet company lunches and trips abroad or anything whatsoever that broke the endless monotony of working at this dump called workplace. But, hello Dave boy Attenborough who’s gonna remind us 24 hours a day that our new found zero travel life has cut emissions to the point where we just saved another rhino. But, hey, their wellbeing comes first in this green new deal, next new norm.

3. eServices – cos we all figured out that watching a YouTube video on how to fix the kitchen sink was a frig load cheaper and easier than trying to persuade a plumber to come rip us off, give us Corona and not fix the thing properly so he gets to do it all over again in a few weeks time.

4. Online Sports and Culture – let’s face it the only thing more amusing than Live Aid was watching Lady Gaga trying to coerse a bunch of geriatric rockers to rock it somewhat out of tune from their homes/gardens/the morgue. Beyond that, pretty soon PlayStation and Xbox will figure out that lockdown loonies taught us all to play soccer way better than those slightly spoilt, entirely analogue pro footballers so they’ll make the next set of games so friggin realistic with the AI thingy that we won’t need the offline players anymore making the Xbox sub a must have and the season ticket a must dump. Plus who wants to sit with a gazillion other sweaty, drunk people in a stadium or theatre or anyplace whatsoever only to get spat on, puked over, hot dogged or just to catch the Corona from them.

5. Virtual Healthcare – see 3. and the whole plumber thing. Plus, we’ll have had enough Corona hospital time to last many a lifetime and every government will have gone broke trying to (not) fix the Corona thing. So we’ll have to figure out DIY health. And pretty soon 3D printing will get us our stay at home pill dispenser, ventilator, vaccine and robot care giver which will prove more than handy given the Great Depression 2.0 meant we sold our car. At least the car bit will make Dave boy Attenborough happy which seems to be the game with this climate solving thing – right?

Christ, I think I’ll just go plant up a wildflower meadow.

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