Eating to survive the Coronavirus Lockdown

In one of my earlier posts we looked at what we can and can’t do during the Coronavirus lockdown. While there’s a seismicly large list of things we can’t do there is, sadly, just a very short list of things we can do. I’m glad to say that right up there in the legit list is ‘eating’. Or is it…

While modern capitalism has made damned sure that getting food, i.e. hitting the supermarket in a non-heist kinda way, was our most basic God given right, it’s now about as easy as doing a downward dog without cracking your back. But, you know you may be in some kinda food pickle when the big-ass boss dude from Tesco writes to you personally – and presumably every other potential customer on this planet – cos who can remember the last time we shopped there. I mean have you seen those deals at lidl?? Mind you, only the world’s first friggin pandemic gets Tesco boss-man to actually get off his you know what to do this bizarre thingy called ‘talking to the punter’ – but, none the less, he breaks all his permo customer distancing rules just to let us know how easy it is to shop at Tesco again, presumably so long as: a) you don’t need to spend more than a toilet rolls worth cos that’s how you can keep it within contactless payment limits and not get smeared with coronachromes banging away at the payment gadget buttons (can’t they just buy some of their own friggin cleaning sanitiser producty thing and clean those damned machines a bit more??), b) you go into their store one at a time which means you can’t dump the bill on your partner and c) you be patient with their delivery guy/gal cos apparently they’re so damned popular that the first delivery spot is in 2028.

So we decide to don the hazmat suit and head to the local supermarket following the latest, latest guidelines which state that on our return we should leave the food unpacked and outside for at least 3 hours so any germs that might have gotten onto the non dodgy food from the shipper/wharehouse/store die off outside and not in your belly meaning in turn that if you’re one of the gazzilion people living in a shoebox apartment you have to leave the food on the street so you lose it to the gits nextdoor and if your luckily enough to have a terrace it goes to the birds and having a garden just means the dog gets it. Which all adds up to going hungry for another week or hitting the store twice in a day guaranteeing you either get arrested or go broke. Mind you, what’s new. In the mean time that nice top man from Tesco gets to make even more obscene money while we all starve to death from buying his food which I guess is capitalism in a nutshell.

Or, don’t go shopping at all. Now there’s a plan worthy of a whole new food survival plan. Instead we could just eat each other which should deal with the whole social distancing thing, or eat the neighbours which not only means they can’t steal the food next time but also deals with the over population thingy that probably got us to this pandemic food-hole in the first place or just eat the dog who likely got Coronavirus from eating our food-in-the-garden that got it from the contaminated till at the Tesco that got it from their wharehouse which got it from the Tesco boss man when he visited said wharehouse which was his grand plan all along to get us to freak out about contaminated food so we have to leave it out in the street/terrace/garden so he can look like a hero for getting us all to shop more often so he can write us this goddamned self gloating email so he gets to keep his job and his bonus the size of my dogs belly even though he never spoke to a damned customer in his life – up until this email of course. Which might also be capitalism in a nutshell but, let’s be honest, might also prove that he’s actually damned clever.

But then again getting Coronavirus could mean that you don’t need food at all or that you get to go to hospital and eat their food for free. Having tasted hospital food I think I’ll just curl up, find some religion and fast until this whole Covid-19 lockdown thing goes away.

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Surviving the weekly shop during Coronavirus lockdown

The weekly shop during Coronavirus lockdown takes on a whole new meaning. There’s just so much more we have to think about. Can I go in my pj’s? Is it a bit pretentious to wear the hazmat suit? Can I avoid taking the kids as they’re driving me nuts by now and the thought of lockdown shopping without them gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Or maybe it’s that ‘I’ve-got-a-Coronavirus-temperature’ kinda warm feeling meaning its my turn to waste away in basement hell for fourteen days which in turn means we can’t do the weekly shop even if we wanted to.

And what happens if I bump into a police blockade on the way to the shops. Do I a) approach, wind the window down and shout at the roadblock police really loudly while remaining in the car to minimise the chance of breaking social distancing rule/law/rule-of-law, b) freak out cos that broken wing mirror which I can’t get fixed for love nor money since no friggin’ garage is open will likely lead to one of those ass bending body frisks which when you duck to avoid ends in a tazering-cum-incarceration which ensures that the whole social distancing thing goes totally out the window sharing a cell with a bunch of really scary looking dudes, c) chuck a 180 degree handbrake turn (car handbrake not the wife) and head the other way as quickly as I can without making it look tots inconspics (my daughter taught me that one too – I mean the ‘tots inconspics’ bit and not the handbrake part in case any police are reading this).

Then, once we get to the shops how in friggs name do we follow the social distancing rule/law thing. After all, we’ve been told that if we’re out in the streets and we see others coming our way and there’s more than one of us, we should dodge the oncomers by heading onto the road – which presumably means getting run over is now safer than getting infected. But how does that work in a supermarket aisle I mean are we supposed to scramble up the shelving units to avoid people or do we turn-face and rapido head the other way until we bump into another bunch of people coming from the other end of the aisle meaning we have to climb those damned shelves in any case.

And what’s this new advice about walking as a ‘bubble’ on the streets if we’re out as a family – with the head of the family in the middle – creating a whole new argument about who in the world’s the head of this family and even if we could figure that one out which we sure as hell won’t how do we figure out the move as a co-ordinated, cohesive family ‘bubble’ to avoid others and how, in the supermarket, does a ‘bubble’ climb the shelves? Unless, of course, by ‘bubble’ they mean a family size hazmat suit.

I think I’ll just stay at home. We can always eat the dog.

If you enjoy these posts on ‘Surviving’ all I ask is for you to support a vital Climate Change project, called DSP, by giving just £3 or just over $3 per month. To find out more CLICK THIS LINK.